beulahbondo's Diaryland Diary

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A Kleinert kind of klean

It took me an extra ten minutes to get dressed today.

Being a profuse sweater, I stay away from wearing any sort of absorbent clothing near my drippy little pits. Yesterday I bought some dress shields at Windsor Button Shop, where I bought them once before, for my sister's first wedding (she calls it her "made-for-TV wedding and divorce"), and my dark pink, short-sleeved bridesmaid dress, back during the first Bush administration.

Why haven't I been wearing them all along, particularly when I was teaching high school, where every little appearance flaw counts? Mostly I've adapted and wear a lot of sleeveless or black. But today I strapped myself into the Jiffy model of the Kleinert Dress Shield (Kleinert's, since 1869). The package reads: "Kwik and easy to use giving the only complete and "natural" underarm protection at work, at home and at play."

Not only sweaty but extremely spatially impaired, I fumbled around, clipping the little ends of the straps to my bra straps in different combinations till I got one that seemed to align with my own body. The whole rig gives me a strange post-surgical look, little white cotton flaps under my arms standing out next to to my black bra, and thin white elastic straps over my thin white shoulders. Or sort of like the most secret and useless part of a nun's habit.

So not kwik, and not particularly easy. I think I installed them wrong, though, cause by 10 am I did have some sweat on my shirt, the most porous and pastel thing I own: the stretchy top I got in my pre-Oscars goodie bag, when I was prowling around the Hollywood hotel where the minor producers stay and eased into a hospitality suite hosted by Harper's Bazaar for a free mini-massage and goodie bag. (I gave Kitty the matching thong.) There are actually two little flaps per armpit, of unequal size, and it looks like the larger flap needs to go next to my rib cage. The directions said "toward the front of your underarm." What does that mean?

Safe in Venice: If you're following the progress of the D.C. sniper, and know that my dad lives in Rockville, Maryland, don't worry. He and his Lady Friend left on a three-week trip to Italy on the second day of the sniping.

The Case of the Happy Bride: Congratulations to my good friends Nancy Drew and Prince Mitchabelli, who were married on October 6. A glorious day.

Tomorrow: What college kids are up to these days - a report from my friend and former student, Smooth Paul, a freshman at a fancy-pants college in Connecticut. Also a supplementary report on another brand of dress shield, the disposable Stain Stoppers (tm).

Hey, Listen: I really need reader response. Are these posts just too long? I have trouble writing to an unknown reader and tend to adopt the neutral, woofy voice of the essayist. Sign my guestbook and give me a pulse.

9:48 p.m. - 2002-10-16

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